This Is Why I Want To Give Up On Dating - Victoria Zickas
My aunt will playfully push my shoulder and ask me if I’m dating anyone and I’ll say: “I don’t want to date” and she’ll go on this whole lecture about how I am too young to be thinking like that and I just need to weed out the bad ones. What she doesn’t know is that all of the fish in the sea are actually weeds that need to be desperately pulled out from the crack in my driveway that I have to reseal every year because they just keep on coming back.
A majority of the time, things are never taken off the dating app because these men are actually horrid. To get you into the mood of things, I have a list of things GROWN MEN have said to me; these are their OPENING lines:
- Dom me
- You look like you have a lot of mental issues and that’s hot
- OMG goth mommy??
- Are you hiding any piercings that aren’t on your face?
- Dyed hair and piercings? You must have daddy issues, but I can fix that
- I want to scare children in a gorilla costume, are you down?
Would it surprise you to know that all of these men are above the age of twenty- one? Do they really think I’m going to respond with: “Oh my GOD, you’re my prince charming and I’ve been waiting for a real man like you all of my life”? NO, you’re not only getting unmatched, but you’re also going to get reported and blocked so no other sweet woman has to hear that hot garbage spew out of your mouth, you absolute pigs. Again, these are their opening lines. There is no way in hell they would ever say that to me in real life; especially not their first sentence.
My personal favorite is when they want to be exclusive, hear me out now, but they don’t want a label. They pretty much want to be pedestalized. They want to lay on a chaise lazily with one hand on their forehead while you wave a big green leaf at them and feed them grapes (or beer) but no strings attached, no commitment. They want ME to drive to them, they want ME to pay for dinner, and they expect ME to have sex with them after I wined and dined them because they couldn’t afford two eight-dollar personal pizzas from Pizza Hut. If you can’t even pay for a Five Guys grilled cheese, why would I want to sleep with you? I think what makes it even worse is that one hundred percent of the time a guy is like this, they are with another girl. Hands down, every time, never proven wrong.
Very rarely, the conversation on the dating app goes well and I get excited. It starts out like this, every time without fail. We match on a dating app, he starts the conversation and we share a few jokes and polite banter, he asks for my number, I give it to him (that might be the first issue), and then they text me and we have a basic conversation, then boom, they say something vulgar and absolutely disgusting to the point where if I were to copy it down here, I would get points taken off this.
A great example of this happened very recently. We matched, had a good conversation, started texting off of the dating app. Sounds great, right? NO! Why would it be nice?! The immediate second I respond to his text, he tries to FaceTime me and I have to explain that I don’t feel comfortable with doing that until we talk a little more. Then, get this, after I text him that, he asked me to come over to his house because he’s too high to drive and he was hungry.
Do men actually think this is attractive? What, do they want me to bust through our future front door and ask for a martini after a hard day’s work at the office too? Every man I match and have a conversation with reminds me of my ex who learned what empathy was by doing shrooms once as a teenager. Fun fact, he never actually learned empathy, he’s just a liar.
So, when I say I feel like giving up on dating, this is what I mean. Very good men are a genuine rarity these days and I think that is so embarrassing to admit. The last time I met a good guy was back in twenty-twenty-one. There are days when I wish I could teleport back to that time and not have to deal with passenger-princess, neckbeard-wearing, disgustingly manipulative, attention whore, I’m-not-into-labels, mommy issue-riddled, shamelessly-broke, living in their grandma’s basement, smelly-ass men.