Anathema - Mateo Forero
Can’t sleep. Pain and fear, in bed. Night, dark, candlelight. I feel my leg being torn apart all over again, but no blood. Insects, chewing into my flesh, the sounds of carnage keep me company. No warmth of the humanely juices that permit me to continue living. The chittering of thrashing mandibles, aliens and monsters. I no longer feel human, I am an immigrant to my own body. Set me free!
In the midst of this prison I see you as once before, fiery eyes of a foreign temper, leathery skin as blue as the vast ocean we traveled together, and hair as long and as red as the intestines that lined that foul battlefield and hoofed like a beast of burden. A crime before me, before God. Yet I imprison you in my mind. Demon.
I jolt from my bed, eyes wide open, sweat streaming from every pore. I reach for my sword hanging from my bedpost in its sheath. My breeches are soaking wet, a warm, slimy substance coated my loins. More curses upon me. I curse back. I stand up slowly and walk towards my opened window, the wind was blowing as though it was a whistle, calling to me. What hour can it possibly be? Perhaps it is early morning, I’ll go to my window even though my leg continues to pulse.
I stare out of my single window. The cold dark stares back at me, our cotton fields stretched further into the night for a few acres, a single groundskeeper and his dog patrolling our yields, ever watchful for deceitful pests, moths, termites, rabbits. My parents had fallen asleep long before I went to bed. Every time I looked at it it sent a terrible pain through my leg. But this land was good, we were decent people, not nobles but we were good enough. Good enough.
Was I brave? I served my country, waved our banner in the midst of chaos for the sake of order. I saw my fellow countrymen perish gloriously. I bled. After the campaign they brought us back home packed like sardines next to our decaying brothers on carracks across a hellish sea. We were welcomed with fanfare and crowds of ecstatic peasantry as we marched down the tight streets of the capital. Whores followed our parade offering themselves to us, some didn’t even plan on charging. I respectfully denied any and all requests, after all I’d rather have a good woman to lay with. But what I didn’t expect was that Karl didn’t indulge in such services. Did he think that the Demon actually loved him? When I marched my way back to the plantation, my mother hugged me, ordering me to never leave home again. My father asked if I was a captain. I wasn't, so he sent me to pick out more cotton with the workers.
She, from my dreams, sent me a letter. She was knighted by the Emperor himself. Apparently, he did so to recognize her “bravery”. That is insane. But what is crazier is that she wants to see me. She misses me.
My muscles twitch sporadically. I need water, or food, or a bath, or a walk. I needed something. The wind had its cool chains wrapped around my body, keeping me in place for what was to come. Would she finally take up your own offer and visit me after all these months? I hope not.
My eyes water. Looking at you is like looking at a rotting corpse. And when there are corpses, there are maggots. Maggots and flies. Similar to you, but far closer to God, they do not resemble humans, dogs, cats, cattle, donkeys, or even rats with the plague. How can a creature like you have a place in this world? You are less than dirt. But even dirt has the intellect to understand that it belongs underneath the animals, not equal.
I slide my hand into my undergarments, groping myself. It’s almost flaccid, but with every tug it rises once more in full strength. I was strong.
I think back to when I was closest to her, to when I was close enough to grab her and not let go. The way my friend, Karl, had looked at her during training made my blood boil. His eyes would twinkle and she would slap his arm. I followed them both when they went deep into the forests at night while on guard duty. I listened to what they did. I don’t understand why people my age are so keen to forget about God. How easy it is for them to ignore orders. I go faster, and faster, flashes of her nightmarish eyes stare back at me begging to keep going. I would do anything….
A euphoric spirit possesses me, I want her to come, wearing her uniform. To introduce herself to my parents. I can only imagine it: my mother would faint at the sight of her, and my father would threaten to thrash both of them as he was a sensitive character. Before he can do that, I see myself rush my way towards them on horseback, wearing my uniform as well, I stand between her and my father. Then I take her, right there. Tearing off her armor and form-fitted linen, exposing her to God’s light. I see her deceptively female body but with its own unholy nuances, it makes me famished. Ramming myself into her, as she thrashes desperately to fight back. But it would all be in vain for the whole world would know that she belonged to me.
I finish. Nothing comes out. The wind continues its songbird whistle, but my bindings finally relented. My shoulders slump, and I let out a sigh. I need to bathe. I lift up my breeches, however, I feel something fuzzy resting on the very tip of my decreasing member. I look down as my lungs suck up as much air as possible and stare face to face with a large blue moth.
Oh God.
I jump, knocking over the candle that was near the windowsill, the floor is set ablaze. I flail my arms around as the moth continues to flutter around me, I knock over bookshelves. The bed sheets that hang over my bed become tangled in my feet, I fall and crack my nose on the hard polished wood, I bleed. I quickly got up, still caught up in the fabric like a lassoed hog, darting my eyes from darkness to more darkness, searching for the creature. My temple pounding, I yell out, “Stop! Leave me be or I’ll destroy you!”, but it comes out as only a shrill. I fumble around as I claw at my bindings. I wanted to kill it. Kill it then set it on fire.
Bright orange replaces pitch black as my room turned into an oven. The fire was growing larger, and I still couldn’t find that Demon. Finally releasing myself I quickly unsheath my sword and I start swinging at the air, dancing my way around the blaze completely nude. I hop around the hot embers, as I duel the moth fluttering between my cold steel.
Memories of a campfire and ale, brothers-in-arms singing in a drunken lament, my left leg wrapped up as I have a mug of the bitter drink in one hand and my sword in another, gulping more and more to ease my pain. I see her, the only woman in our entire army, waist to waist with my best friend. Dancing in that fiery glow. Her demonic eyes staring into his as they share laughter. I tighten the hold of my weapon, as if I want to crush the grip to the point of splintering. What was so funny? That we almost died? Seeing our country men get torn to pieces by wild animals? So you see fit to sleep with one as well?! The world was ending, and all people could do was dance and laugh. Even the Emperor had lost his mind. Inside my head the fire begins to consume everything, purification for the sake of my own sanity. I drink more and more and more. I’m drowning- no, I’m suffocating. I could no longer breathe. This is the end.
I lost sight of the moth, and I have since collapsed on the floor on my knees. I take labored breaths, soaked in sweat and soot. I let go of my sword, barely able to open my eyes. The fire is raging all over me, on my flesh, my bones, my hair, my mind. Yet it was more like water. It was calming, like my father and mother. It was safe.
Bells ring in my ears and the shouting of an entire army, hounds of war howling at the moon. Calling to me. It’s a sound that makes the most amount of sense in this hellish world filled with demons and curses. Opening my eyes even more as tears poured out of them and all that stood out from this lovely inferno, was the blue moth resting by the window. Its wings are staring back at me, ever watchful of my inadequacies, waiting for me to give up. I won’t.
Once more I grab my sword, the same one from my memories, now is not the time for bed. I stand up and walk through flames towards the moth, I reach my hand out waiting for it to fly towards me. It doesn’t. It disappears into the night sky as only the great white moon and a burning field. More bells, more screaming, the pounding of galloping horses. Something clicks inside my head.
Why be a captain when I could be a general? Or better yet, why not an Emperor? The world needs to be reminded of what is right. I never fashioned myself as a ruler of men. But a firm believer of what is good and just is exactly who I am. I was a bannerman, without me our army could not have won. We didn’t need an alien.
Why can’t she leave me alone? I don’t want her! I don’t wish to be with her! It's wrong! She seduces everyone they come in contact with, our comrades, the locals, our superiors, the bloody Emperor himself… even my best friend. When she smiles, they smile. When she utters her foreign incantations in that twisted accent, they laugh. People touch her too much, so unafraid of catching her corruption. I thought at first when we first met the Demon that everyone would cast her out… and they did. Even Karl did. But then she proved herself useful for the soulless creature that she was and started to twist her words to the amusement of others and all of a sudden they adored her?! She must have slept with the entire army. She most definitely slept with the Emperor.
I must destroy the demon, crucify her for all to see. I must save Karl and the world. But I am not cruel either. I’ll give her a choice to save herself. Either she chooses me, and remains by my side until one of us dies, or if she denies goodness then I’ll burn her. It’s as fair as I could possibly make it.
Feeling sufficiently clean, I go back to bed, sleeping soundly and with much warmth. My army, my empire, my friend awaits. And so do you, Anathema.