Retention - Hadyn Archambeault
“Hi, this is Edie with Scale Cable. How can I help you?”
“Hi, Edie. I’m calling to cancel my cable subscription.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I’m calling to cancel my cable.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Are you sure you want to cancel your cable?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Are you positive?”
“Yes, why?”
“Okay then, good luck. Please hold while I transfer your call.”
“Good luck?”
“Hello, this is Sebastian with the Scale Cable retention center. How can I make your life a living hell today?”
“What was that?”
“I asked how I can help you today. Jeez, no need to get defensive.”
“Oh, okay. Sorry. I’m just calling to cancel my cable.”
“Uh-huh, I see. Now, can you tell me why you would want to do that?”
“Well, I guess I just have no use for it anymore.”
“Okay then, thank you for the non-answer.”
“Huh?”
“Huh?”
“Nevermind.”
“Can I get your full name please?”
“Sure, that’s James Perez. Again, that’s James Perez.”
“Can you spell that for me?”
“Uh, j-a-m-e-s.”
“Uh-huh.”
“p-e-r-e-z.”
“Okie dokie. Now, can you spell that backwards for me? Pretty please?”
“What?”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. It looks like I’m going to have to transfer you.”
“Wait, why?”
“Your last name begins with the letter “p,” and I’m only allowed to take calls for people whose last names begin with the letter “s.” Let me transfer you to Piper.”
“Why? Can’t you just—”
“Okay, buh-bye now.”
“Ugh!”
“Howdy there, I’m Piper with the Scale Cable retention center. How can I confuse you today?”
“Huh?”
“Yes! Derek, I got another one! Add it to the tally. Hey, what are you thinking for lunch?”
“Excuse me!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re calling to cancel your cable, right?”
“Yes!”
“We’ll have to send over a couple of guys to remove the cable box. Is that alright with you?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Perfect. Looks like there’s an opening on October 2nd—”
“Finally, thank you!”
“2027.”
“What? That’s three years from now!”
“Yes. We here at Scale have our staff arrive on horseback, and we have to raise the horses for three years before they can be ridden. Then you have to factor for the time that it takes for them to actually make it to the house and—”
“That’s insane!”
“I know, right? So cool.”
“No, not cool. I’m just trying to cancel my—”
“You don’t think that’s cool?”
“Well, no, not really. It seems like a huge waste of time and money if I’m being honest.”
“Well the horses were my idea. Thanks a lot, asshole. Hold while I—”
“Wait, I didn’t mean. Please don’t. Fuck!”
“Hi James, this is Derek with—”
“Derek, please. For the love of God, I am just trying to cancel my cable.”
“Well, a little birdy told me that you really hurt Piper’s feelings.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’m serious. She’s really upset. I think you owe her an apology.”
“I am not apologizing.”
“Well I guess you’re not getting your cable canceled then.”
“Wait, fine. I’ll apologize.”
“Good. Okay James, you’re on speaker. Do you have something you wanna tell Piper?”
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for? Use your big boy words.”
“I’m sorry for saying that your horse idea wasn’t cool. Do you forgive me?”
“She’s nodding her head.”
“Okay, good. Now can you cancel my cable?”
“I suppose.”
“Thank you.”
“Please hold while I—”
“Don’t you dare. Oh my God, you son of a bitch.”