An Exhaustive List of Things I Hate - Hadyn Archambeault

People who choose to chew with their mouths open; babies crying on planes; children running around in restaurants; bogie-eaters; toilet paper rolls facing backward; people who don’t change the toilet paper roll when there’s no tissue left; runny noses; getting stuck behind a group of slow walkers; the bitter taste of black coffee; the squeaking sound of styrofoam; intrusive thoughts; ingrown toenails; ingrown hairs; dull blades; electric razors dying mid-shave; cutting myself while shaving my neck; razor burn; people who don’t clean up after shaving; drivers who use their turn signal at the last second; Raynaud’s flare-ups; flanderization; the overwhelming smell of cigarettes in my grandmother’s apartment; the smell of cigarettes in general; chafing; deodorant stains; DoorDash drivers who shove their phones in workers’ faces; “Watcha Want” by Lawrence; “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I; the phrase, “Money can’t buy happiness”; biweekly pay; a sink full of dirty pots and pans; acid reflux; the smell of alcohol; Chris Brown; Charlie Calvin’s selfishness in The Santa Clause; butt acne; constipation; stubbing my toe; people that walk you off the sidewalk; every song by AJR; the sound a fork makes when it scratches a plate; binge eating; hiring managers; fake job listings; getting ghosted by HR; Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension; dirty laundry; grass stains; brussel sprouts; unnecessary flashbacks, which imply that the showrunners/writers/directors don’t trust the viewers’ memories and intellect; The Greatest Showman; Twitter; X; when Elon Musk hosted Saturday Night Live; Cybertrucks; cockroaches; cluttered closets; colonoscopies; Jacob Collier; James Corden; littering; cat litter that reeks of ammonia; picking up dog poop; weak garbage bags; wet bathroom floors; people who hog equipment at the gym; corporate jargon; Zoom meetings; finding empty liquor bottles that my father hides around the house; Jimmy Kimmel; Jimmy Fallon; mirrors; the line, “I wolf you” in season two of You; stepping off a curb and into a puddle; feet; Dan Schneider; shin splints; ankle sprains; running blisters; socks with holes in them; people who put their feet on headrests in the movie theater; the poverty crisis; paper cuts; piss covered toilet seats; having to shit whenever I’m in a Barnes & Noble; flat tires; the novel, The Alchemist; fluctuating weather; the “Know-It-All Kid” from The Polar Express; Sallie Mae; tonsil stones; halitosis; alcohol-based mouthwash; public speaking; people who break things when they’re upset; acne scars; potholes; paperwork; uneven paper tears; shameless plugs; my non-functioning noise canceling headphones; the sounds of my family’s fights; Disturbed’s cover of “The Sound of Silence”; hustle culture; TikTok Shop; dry skin; the conspiracy theory that Helen Keller wasn’t real; pyramid schemes; pink eye; rosacea; seasonal allergies; socks with sandals; Sixteen Candles; silverfish; centipedes; cavities; carcinogens; cancer; cancer scares; canker sores; muscle cramps; mukbangs and the gluttony they display; driving in New Jersey; every Home Alone film after the second one; A Christmas Story 2; the sticky layer of white film that builds up in the corners of my mouth overnight; walking into spiderwebs; misplacing my belongings; an upset stomach; lactose intolerance; Cards Against Humanity; Velvet Buzzsaw’s lack of depth; waking up with a sore throat; hitting my head; humid heat; heights; mosquito bites; LinkedIn; Caledon Hockley’s eyebrows in Titanic; this dialogue exchange in Fifty Shades of Grey:

Anastasia Steele: Are you gonna make love to me now?

Christian Grey: Two things: First, I don’t make love. I fuck…hard.

Anastasia Steele: And the second?

Christian Grey: Come.; 

racist co-workers with their stuborness and their “jokes”; Ronald Reagan; the War on Drugs; warts; booming footsteps; the music of Hobo Johnson; highwaters; Howard Stern; hot glue burns; brown-nosers; both Dexter finales; convoluted writing in academic journals; the stress of the holiday season; the winter season after New Year’s; the feeling of isolation; how hard it is for me to make friends; brain fog; Black Hat hackers; conversation hijackers; bandwagon hoppers; traffic jams; carbonated beverages; Zoolander 2; bugs that fly in my face while I’m running or riding my bike; uncomfortable bike seats; leaving the barberhsop with a buzzcut when I wanted a trim; the glorification and mythologization of serial killers; gym goers who don’t re-rack weights after using them; paparazzi; when people confidently state that they could care less, when they mean to say they couldn’t care less; Tom Cruise’s The Mummy; Scientology; how Matthew McConaughey whistles his S’s; fedoras; neckbeards; incels; hangnails; lunges; my ground down teeth; Ginny & Georgia; Grace Gardner from Scream Queens, and her infamous line “Senorita Awesome”; black licorice; accidentally walking into the wrong bathroom; getting shampoo and/or soap in my eye; my inability to maintain eye contact; Jack and Jill; the Dunkin’ commercial for Sparkd’ Energy; dead batteries; seborrhoeic dermatitis; shoveling snow; swimmer’s itch; William Michael Schuester and his shirtless performance of “Touch a Touch a Touch a Touch Me”; taking my shirt off at the beach; walking in the rain without an umbrella; the mere existence and sheer audacity of Tall Girl; TMJ; Andrew Johnson; diarrhea; dirty snow slush; Bulgarian split squats; getting my hand stuck in a can of Pringles; parents who hit their children; slam poetry; 19 Kids and Counting; ear wax; wasps; Ronnie, of Jersey Shore fame; anthropogenic climate change; constantly feeling inadequate; Chevy Chase; Creed; Netflix for canceling I Am Not Okay With This; Netflix for canceling The OA; AI; B.O.; the DMV; my OCD; Wi-Fi crashes; clogged toilets; the waves scene in The Good Place finale for making me cry; getting sand stuck in my ass after a day at the beach; sunburns; ass hair; the Star Wars prequels; broken light bulbs; The Big Bang Theory; weapons of mass destruction; destructive criticism; post-inflammatory erythema; my poor impulse control; bullying; M. Night Shyalaman’s The Last Airbender; Netflix’s Avatar: The Last Airbender; Eagles fans; domestic abuse; hypersalivation; hyperpigmentation; Holocaust deniers; Skyler White haters; health anxiety; precancerous moles; my unrelenting dermatillomania; the inescapable feeling that I have no control over myself; being compared to my father; my tendency to overthink everything; overpriced products; a bad night’s sleep; unskippable ads; doom scrolling; dropping my phone on my face while doom scrolling; when my father smashed an onion on the floor in a drunken fit of rage; seeing that same rage in my sister; smashed plates; child exploitation on social media; pathological liars; dolphins; crocodile tears; crying when cutting onions; empty apologies; empty paper towel dispensers; my fear of forgetting things.