i’m writing so that i deserve to exist today - Eric Turner

i’m thinking about touching you but then i’m thinking thinking about it ruined the moment already so i won’t do it. i’m thinking that i think about it more than other people think about it, maybe too much, maybe it’s getting in the way. maybe it isn’t, maybe i just need to stop thinking about it.

the study of thought is called logology. recursive, repetitive. logology. i think about it sometimes.

i like to sit around thinking, watching philosophy lectures like dogs eat human food, staring at paintings like cats make eye contact. slow blink. stare at it. slow blink. i’m trying to paint it on the back of my eyelids but i’m aphantasic. i will never see it in my mind only feel for it, the longing nights in rhone, the angry crowns in the metro.

i’m thinking about putting my arm around you, not because i like it there but so i can pull you in and you can rest your head on my shoulder. i’m thinking it would be a revelation, a sliver of moonlight from the blinds the neighbors peak through. i’m thinking that i like it when you smoke my cigarettes. ash it on me. put your ankles across my knees. i want your teeth to break my skin.

i’ve been thinking a lot about data. there is 125 gigabytes of data in my phone, 65 of it is text messages. i’m thinking about how much information we exchange, if that’s a way you can quantify a conversation. individuals are mostly measured in megabytes, over time, ratios being more important. i’m thinking about deleting some. i like to keep them to see if i’m saying things i used to say, thinking about them again. recursive, repetitive. i’m thinking yesterday today tomorrow look a lot alike but the clouds change and i’m thinking about how much data is in the clouds, how much conversation evaporates.

i’m thinking about making a move, i do not like songs with movements, i can say that safely now, write it in marker and not crayon. i like songs that cut harsh, key to key like a lockout, everything starts at once. i’m thinking about how yellow lights only warn about stopping. i’m thinking about morality, i’m thinking about bleeding for you. i’m thinking about almost writing a seatbelt metaphor and starting to crash. i’m thinking about thinking about you. i’m thinking about grief and guilt and perception. i’m thinking you hate that i’m not responding right now. i’m thinking about jealousy.

the study of thought is called logology. the study of time is called chronology. the speech at a funeral is called a eulogy. words are called prose or poetry or something.

i’m thinking about touching you.