I always lose my friends to dick | Jelisa Gonzalez

Every time I think I can escape this pattern of horny, dick-obssessed people, I am proven wrong time and time again. So often have I found myself disillusioned by the prospect of people, platonic or romantic. Everytime I find myself doing the socializing wrong. Everyone’s so fucking chill about everything. I am so intense that those I tell my situations or instances to grimace at the fact that I can’t human like them. I’m sorry I’m not worried about a 20 year old [redacted] probably flaccid penis and lack of common sense. I’m sorry I don’t get the “connection” that you have with this [redacted] over a two month span. Shit, I couldn’t get past three months in highschool. Thank god. I think time and time again that I am the one with no sense but everytime I come further and further back into myself. Everytime I find myself inhaling information and a whiff of some apple cucumber vape, I question what life choices have gotten me this far. Speak your mind! They tell me time and time again. I fear I would have a lot less people in my life that would call me a friend. I usually take my time. No, I can’t say what I want or feel in the moment. Maybe that’s auditory processing or just processing in general. I am the one thats there when a friend drags a situation with someone that doesn’t give two shits about them. I am there, now, when they still bring up their name in transitory conversation. Why can’t we get past this? I thought I held onto shit for a long time. Everytime I see that I believe I am beyond that. Sure, maybe the way I process things is passive but I always get over it. Time is a real bitch but she passes and heals. I am not absolving myself of seeking dick. Dick to me is a pastime. I don’t need it every second of every day. It would be nice to come by from time to time. Most people aren’t worth it though. I recently read a creative nonfiction piece where someone was outlining all their emotional strife and experience with men and dick. I couldn’t make it to page two without rolling my eyes. The duality in me reading and getting annoyed was the fact that a couple days prior I was anxious and mad at the fact that some 19 year old was being strange and not texting me back. This same stranger currently bores the living shit out of me. There is nothing that entices me. Sure you might look good and carry a dick on you, but usually that’s it. Most times that’s it. To see friends and people I used to know enthralled by some body parts and short lived emotions. SHIT ME TOO but there’s “levels to this shit” apparently. I high-key don’t give a shit about much of that anymore.