i need to stay up for the next 45-50 minutes - Jelisa Gonzalez

I’m using this stay up. I need to stay up in order to not close my eyes in the middle of class. This is allowing me to think and write freely. I’m thinking of deadlines. I’m thinking of the fact of having too much to do that my mental collapse and crashout is inevitable. Maybe as the minutes go by I’ll catch tidbits of what this guy is talking about but I’m kinda tapped out. Not kinda, but very tapped out. 2 minutes went by and it felt like ten. I want to blow up. I’m hungry and I partially can’t feel my legs. I need to catch up in two of my classes. I’m never not thinking about everybody and I’m never not thinking about myself. Its the cycle that never ends. My mom would not support beer on a saturday. I need to find a way to not have it in my room though. Which is understandable, because I think they may or may not have found my vape. Hopefully, I don’t get my ass beat. Another two minutes went by. Should i perish? I want to go home. My school comes with me but not in the dreaded sense. I want to kms. Erm i wanna go home and eat my little heart out. When did we get into structuralism, no idea. Language ok right. But this is yap central, like they’re just a bunch of big words. Its an essay of the ages. I want a cheeseburger. Ashley said I should be free to get laid whenever I want and she’s right. Its not even 5:20. I want to cry, I have no tear ducts though. If he picks on me, I’m cooked. He hasn’t though. Maybe barnacles thinks I’m smart. The one patch with eczema on my arm itched, so I scratched it. Talk about mind body connection right there. I think I chronically piss my pants. I don’t care about the rejection anymore. Does it even make sense that I got an appointment from 1-1:30 pm with the attractive french guy. He looked like a character out of twilight, like I was intimidated but at the same time I was intrigued. Its strange. Countdown to 5:30 is the most brutal thing to mankind. Having the fakes are nice though. I feel like a distinguished individual. I better muster up a seven course meal for myself when I get to the house. I need a good shower. I need cheese. I don’t need Mary Shelley but I would like to read Frankenstein at some point. Was i about to throw up? I don’t need this shit right now. Whats crazy is that I can write all this crap but not lock in when I need to and I scroll on tik tok like I don’t have shit I need to be doing. Like this is the shit that’s disappointing. Who can really intake 3 hours of theory? My brain explodes every single week. What can an animal do is crazy work. They live in a society and darwins fending for themselves is what ends up happening, survival of the fittest. It autocorrected to fattest which was hella funny. 

Jelisa has been writing for the Arch Literary Journal for about a year now. She's currently a combined student in the BA/MA program studying English. She enjoys writing poetry, reading fiction, and listening to music in her spare time. She is also a tutor at the Writing Center as well as a copy editor for the Albany Student Press.