Haunting Hour: March 9th - Clyde Jastram

How do you tell your loved ones, it started again? You know the thing we thought we once moved passed, has re-entered our lives. 

The darkness is here!! My worst nightmare of all time…My mind. The true essence of a blessing and a curse. What allows me to write is also what takes away my soul at night. Suffocated under these clouds of thought, made by food for the brain but destroyed by my conscious. An everlasting civil war keeps me up at night. Never to rest even as I sleep. Dreams may distract but they don’t stop what's truly going on. Instead, they press pause and give me a commercial break. 

So I ask you, how do you tell your loved ones, it started again? Because it feels like I'm running a never-ending race where the finish line just keeps getting pushed back. Thus, I run faster, I try harder. The hard work barely pays off or doesn’t even pay off at all. 

As I view the world, I feel lonely, I feel like I’m the only one. The one who looks at the world for what it truly is…Disappointing. 

Where all life connects to is death. Whether prolonged or nearing, death is the one who picks up the phone. With an answer of certainty, he grabs you close and hugs you tight. Never once letting you out of his sight. 

Even if you wanted to run, Times up. 

You seem to be confused, I said How do you tell your loved ones, it started again?!! A sadness so deep, that it lingers during the day and takes flight at night. Soaring so high, it takes over you with all its might. 

Darkness pours in and the light is spit out. 

So I beg you, I plee, shed light on my eyes and guide me to the truth!! How do you tell your loved ones, it started again? A spiral so abrasive and overwhelming it takes hold of me and I don’t feel right. 

And No, I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to harm myself or others around me. I just feel meaningless. I need to know there’s more to this world besides “the hustle”. That I matter, THAT WE ALL FUCKING MATTER. 

That these sorry excuses for life we have had to live weren’t our fault. I want an apology from the universe. I want it now! Because the only one who’s answering the phone right now is waiting for me in a carriage around the corner. 

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be here either. My home is in oblivion, far from all, close to none. Where my heart is at ease but my mind is null. The body is asleep but the soul is transparent. 

Oh! So you don’t know how you tell your loved ones, it started again? Great, because neither do I.