Untitled - Juliette Humphreys

For your mother being a clairvoyant she should’ve seen how much I’d hate your name

You’ve always had a stupid name

I couldn’t help but giggle when I would yell it

No matter out of anger or loss

It’s not enough syllables to encapsulate the idea of you

But I’m not sure of who you are anymore

You’ve marked me forever and if I called you right now I don’t think you’d answer

We gave each other tattoos

You scrapped yours out of your flesh days later

Did you think salt would cleanse you of me?

Mine seethes and burns where it lays to rest on my knee forever

When you’d leave the dining table your mom would tell me how happy she was that we found each other

She didn’t know the secrets of how much we hated each other

We weren’t dating we weren’t in love we never knowingly touched

She didn’t know that when we shared a bed you would wrap an arm around me

Intertwine your legs with me and breathe deeply into my hair that you only played with when you were drunk

You didn’t even know you did all this

I could only see our future in your dreaming

She said she sees forever for us

And now it’s been three months and my heart does not pound for you

Your one syllable name is more dumb than profound

And our secrets are known

But do you smell his hair

Sneak your arm under his like a stray cat hiding from rain

Wrap legs like branches shaking in the wind

Do you explore in your dreams still

Or do you only live with me in your drunk and sadness

Does your mom see the same future with a different face

Did she see the future of me throwing away paint brushes and used canvas

Nothing was ever good enough

Was my name too long to ever yell

Mine and his have the same amount of syllables

Does he know my name

Does he know the rocks you gifted me are the voyeur on my bedroom windowsill

The only semblance of us knowing each other

Does he know all of those paintings are mine

Have I only prepared you for him

Is that what I spent all my time doing?

Was I the only one

Or the just the closest one around

Was the name calling of anything other than my name supposed to keep me grounded

Do beaten white cars smelling of cigarettes and vanilla perfume that i aired out for your asthma pass your road

Do you think it’s me coming home

Do you honestly think I would ever want to come home

Maybe in your dreams

That was the only place I ever existed