All The Things I Didn’t Say - Ana Radojevic

I don’t like feeling angry.

I don’t understand anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion and I’m less happy with my primary emotion.

I’m angry, nonetheless.

I’m angry that I can’t be angry with you.

I’m angry that you are considerate and funny, but not in the bare-minimum kind of way.

I mean, you’re considerate in the way where you come to my dorm at midnight, just to give me a hug, because I said I had a shitty day.

Not in the way where I say I had a shitty day and you wish me the best of luck.

And you’re funny in the way that it seems so natural and I don’t even realize I’ve been smiling because it feels like second nature,

Not funny in the way where we have back and forth banter that’s easily synthesized.

And there are a million (and that’s an exaggeration but perhaps not) other qualities I find absolutely beautiful about you.

I’m angry that I can’t be angry at you. 

So I guess I will be angry at me.

I’m angry about all the things I didn’t say.

I’m angry that I never said “I like you too.”

And I know my actions probably told you- or at least I hope they did,

But I wish I would have told you.

I’m angry that I never said that I miss you.

And I don’t mean just when you said it before I went to visit my mother and I didn’t say it back,

I mean I wish I said “I miss you” at 3:30 when you're taking a nap after your class,

Or when I laid beside you at midnight.

I wish when we were watching TV in bed, like my parents do, and you looked at me and asked, “What if I wanted to kiss you right now?” 

I wish I would have said “So then you should probably kiss me,” instead of whatever bullshit response my fear formulated.

I’m angry that I didn’t.

I wish that when I asked to talk and then you told me it just wasn’t the right time for us I would have fought harder.

I’m not sure what exactly I would have said, or if anything would have made everything change,

But I wish that I didn’t just let you leave.

I’m angry that I did.

I guess there’s nothing to be angry about with you, so I will settle for being angry at all the things I didn’t say.