Roughpunzel - Tyler Jones

“Roughpunzel”

Characters:

Raphael

Ramona

Rapscillion

Raphael and Ramona are eating dinner and deciding when to head out to buy a new just released video game.

Raphael: “Babe you surely made a great dinner, are you sure you didn’t use any cheat codes?”

Ramona: “Wow, you’re so funny hun, how about you wash your disgustingly long beard and let us get going to pick up our copy of Roughpunzel”.

Raphael: Alright boss lady, don’t drink any alcoholic potions while I’m tidying up my majestic mane.”

Raphael squeezes through their Hobbit hole of a hallway and into the bathroom to tidy up his beard and get ready to go video game shopping.

Raphael: (Yelling) “My mistress! Have you seen my razor?” I swear it was in the cabinet, I swear to god if you moved it!”

Ramona: (irritated) “I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT YOU JERK! I BET IT’S BEHIND THE TOLIET!”

Raphael: (trying to look behind the tiny toilet) “Ramona you know I can’t look behind there! I’m too gigantic and might I add too dashing to touch it!”

Ramona begrudgingly walks to the bathroom to help the giant baby.

Ramona: (Bending down and easily spotting the razor) “You know Raphael you are not good for many things”

Raphael: “Firstly, I am so glad you’re like the size of a gnome compared to me and secondly you weren’t saying I was useless last nigh-“

Ramona: (Ready to rumble) “Raphael if you say anything about last night, I’ll punch you right in your giraffe throat”

Raphael: (apologetically) “I, I didn’t mean no harm love, honest. I’ll get to shaving and you go get ready to go to Game Dungeon.”

Ramona: (Acceptingly and indifferent) “Do we seriously need to go there to pick up the game…never mind hurry up and shave.”

Ramona leaves Raphael to his manscaping mayhem. Raphael starts trying to shave but notices his beard does not seem to be losing volume or length even as pieces fall off.

Raphael: (Yelling) “RAMONA the razor isn’t working!”

Ramona: (From the other room) “I don’t care, just go out looking like a shitfaced lion then, I just want to get going already. At least tie it up in some way.”

Raphael: (Hurriedly) “Alright I’ll be right there!”

Raphael and Ramona take off, on their way to pick up their new Boxstation game.

Raphael and Ramona enter the small store and Raphael smacks his head on a hanging decorative piece.

Raphael: (A little dazed) “Does this store hate tall people? Is this a store run by imps?”

A man of small stature sporting a boyish face, almost as pre-pubescent as Peter Pan comes out from behind the game counter.

Rapscillion: (Snickering) “Well maybe if you didn’t have the spatial awareness of a blind cyclops you would be safe from any hanging apparatuses you dolt.”

Ramona: “I thought I was short, but you look like you still cannot reach the gas pedal”

Rapscillion: “Ahem. Yes, this round table insulting spree is quite fun, but do you have business here in my establishment?”

Raphael: “Yes, we are with the TPHTT committee.”

Rapscillion: (irritated) “Fantastic I sense a joke in poor taste coming my way.”

Raphael: (Barely containing himself) “We’re…with…the… TALL PEOPLE HELPING THE TINY COMMITEE AHAHAAHHAHA”

Ramona: (chortling) “NICE ONE LOVE, YOU SHOW THAT FAIRY WHO’S BOSS.”

Rapscillion: (Getting exhausted) “I own a step ladder and a stool you ingrates.”

Rapscillion: (serious) “Are you here for good reason? If not please remove yourself from my presence.”

Raphael: (slightly calmed down) “Yes we are here to pick up a copy of Roughpunzel.”

Rapscillion: (endearingly) “Ah yes Mr…Raphael was it? I am afraid we only have the one copy and therefore I will have to fish it out of the backroom. I will be but a moment.”

Rapscillion retreats to the backroom and Ramona and Raphael wait for what seems like eternity but they are bad with time.

Raphael: (impatiently) “I’m going to go check what is taking Santa’s elf so long to bring us our long-awaited present.”

Ramona: “Go ahead, if I stray too close to him, I may get covered in pixie dust and shrink more.”

Raphael goes to the backroom to look for Rapscillion.

Raphael: (Yelling) “FRODO BAGGINS WHERE ARE YOU?”

Rapscillion: (Snidely) “You see my tall handsome barbarian-like friend, I cannot reach the game because of my tiny green bean arms”

Raphael: “Ah, no problem I’ll give you a hand!”

As Raphael walks into the backroom, he hears a level being pulled and descends into a 30-foot-deep hole.

Raphael: (Voice trailing off) “What the hell is going on?!”

Rapscillion: (yelling down to him) “Well you have played tons of video games, haven’t you?” “You have been captured quite plainly put.”

Raphael: (voice echoing) “Why capture me? I know I am a sexy man, but I am not rich or anything dude.”

Rapscillion: “Well that is where you are actually wrong. You have a rich beard, richer than you could possibly imagine.”

Raphael: (surprised) “Whoa is it like made of gold or something, man? I could pay off so many bills.”

Rapscillion: (annoyed) “Absolutely not, I am sure you have noticed your beard is voluminous to the point that it seems infinite.”

Raphael: (indifferent) “Oh I just…ya know chock it up to dumb luck whenever I can’t shave it. Which weirdly has been a long time”

Rapscillion: (serious and to the point) “Well your beard is magical, and you are an actual descendant of Rapunzel”

Raphael: (jokingly) “Sure dude and my mom is Aphrodite. I just want to play Roughpunzel man. Can you let me out of this hole?”

Rapscillion: “Roughpunzel does not exist. You are Roughpunzel in the flesh, a man with a beard as strong as steel and as infinite as space. And I am going to keep you captive until I learn your secret.

Ramona bursts through the door and sees Rapscillion literally yelling at a hole.

Ramona (Angry) “Are you morons done yet? I want to go home.”

Raphael: (yelling) “Hey honey! This goblin trapped me in this here hole, he wants to study my fabulous facial hair.”

Ramona: (relieved) “Scallop Onion or whatever your name is you could have just asked for some of the facial hair, no need for the evil plot and fake emails about a game that does not exist.”

Raphael: (yelling excitedly) “BABE YOU KNEW I HAD A MAGIC BEARD WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!?”

Ramona: “You’re already full of yourself. Now bring my boyfriend out of the hole and we’ll work on getting you to look like more like a dwarf and less like a smooth thumb.”

Rapscillion: “Sure thing…um tell him to throw some of his beard up and we’ll fasten it to something so he can climb out.”

Raphael (Scared) “BABE HURRY I HAVE TO POOP SO BAD WHAT WAS IN THAT DINNER?”