Start Cycle - Sri Nath Kurup

Hey! My name is Sri Nath Kurup, and I am a rising Sophomore from Spring Valley, New York, with a major in Political Science, intended concentration in Criminal Law, and intended minor in Philosophy and Law. I am a huge fan of storytelling, and from poetry to creative writing, to Dungeons & Dragons, you can catch me writing and narrating. On campus, I’m a member of Phenomenal Voices, Mock Trial, and of course ARCH! In my free time, I’m reading where it’s sunny under a pretty little tree, or chatting with friends while watching a show. I am inspired to write by the belief that every story holds a world of experience. By sharing them we move these worlds into reality, reflecting the parallels of our own lives and helping people who need to see themselves through such an auspice, not a mirror.

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Flooding emotions and water too

Drowning thoughts and clothes

And I sink down to the ground like

Soggy socks that go where no one knows

I’ve been in the laundry room for quite some time now

And I feel like at this point I should start journaling

That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re trapped, right?

Pull out a paper, take off the pen cap, write?

I want to pour out words on to paper like detergent

But I don’t know if it’s machine safe

What I have to write

What I have to say

30 minutes

I feel like the rumble of devices

Reflect the raucous machinations of my mind

And maybe washing machines have see through doors

So that you can see into yourself

I feel like I’m tumbling too

Spinning and spiraling

Everything's cyclical

Everything comes back

Like me to you

After every argument you make when I disagree

Or when you think you’ve made me sad

Or when I think I’ve made you mad

I feel like throwing myself in

To wash away my sins

So that I can be worthy of you again

Or maybe wash away what’s left of you on me

But I think you stick like sickly sweet turmeric and honey

Staining my soul

And maybe that’s why I always end up in the laundry room

By myself

Wanting not to be

Maybe that’s why I see myself in the clear door,

Because I keep looking for you

And all I can remember about you

Is the way you’ve left me

So I guess I have to sit with myself

And I have to write about things that aren’t you

Like clean clothes instead of sweaty ones

Thrown on the side of the bed

Maybe like flooding water instead of

Swapping spit

I can think about tumbling clothes

Instead of us tumbling

And a heavy load

Instead of loads of other things

But I also have to write about myself

Because that’s the only person I’m sitting with

Spinning

Cycling

Spiraling

20 minutes

I feel like I’m not so much myself now

So much as I might be the guy you dated

And I wonder how I could miss you so much

Now that I don’t have you

But didn’t show you how much I loved you

When I did

And that just makes me think about how

I tried to keep myself closed off

Because I didn’t want to fall in love with you

Because I knew we weren’t going to last anyway

But I couldn’t keep our relationship clean

Because I never let the cycle break my exterior shell

And I guess the detergent was never really let out

And so now I’m stuck

I hit the washer because its stuck

Because I’m stuck

Stuck thinking about how I’m stuck

Sitting slouched stalking a washer that isn’t moving

Although it’s running

Probably because its stuck

Are you stuck?

Are you stuck thinking about me?

Are you always tired and weary doing laundry?

10 minutes

I hope you still think of me

Because I think of you

Or at least I think of how you thought of me

I also hope you don’t think of me

Because I think of you

Or at least how I hurt you by having you think of me

Because at one point I wasn’t thinking of you

And I feel bad for it but want it back

I feel like I’m saying something profound

But I’m running circles around myself

Circles and cycles

Spirals

Spinning

5 minutes

It’s fear of the cycle and the spinning

The spiraling

That keeps me up at night

And I guess gives me reason to get up in the morning

Just so I can maybe catch a glimpse of you on campus

4 minutes

And I feel so scared of washing away those memories

Whatever kind of luck you may have left me

Washing away the cologne you bought me

Or accidentally putting your book to wash

3 minutes

But I think I can break out of the cycle

If I just get up and take a breathe

I think I can leave the fun and the love and

All those other things that have dirtied me

2 minutes

Maybe all those good things and those bad things

Aren’t something that are a part of my soul

Maybe I just wear them every now and then

1 minute

So I can bring peace to myself

By placing the past in the laundry bin

And I can wear the joy of the past when I want to

Wallow in self pity when the moment strikes

And switch it out and style myself

But never let it define me

And then

The Cycle Stops

I open the washer and take out what’s inside

But even still

Your hoodie smells like you

I put it back in

And

I circle

I spin

I spiral

I

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